Shattered Dreams

Yes, I had been procrastinating for a few years.
After coming home from a 5 months trip, I couldn't find the inspiration to write a new blog entry.

I felt like I hit a wall, a really hard wall, when hub talked me into agreeing that it was time to go home after our 2nd try at extending our visa. 
It was as if my dream of living in another country ended after having the chance to actually blend in and learning what it was like to live in a totally different place where the culture, people, lifestyle, cost of living, and what's not are the opposite of what we were used to.

We arrived at the end of spring when the cherry blossom trees started saying goodbye while slowly fading away.
Landing at Christchurch and experiencing the really cold breeze made us realize that the clothes we brought might not be suitable for the weather.
The 7 to 8 hours travel to Nelson left us mesmerized to the beautiful mountain view along the way where you can see them covered with snow.

Yet, hub wasn't used to the quiet life and even labeling New Zealand as the land of "The Walking Dead". 
The sun would shy away from the sky at between 8 and 9 in the evening.
Waking up early at 4 and having coffee at the garage in jogging pants, sweatshirts and jackets and still feeling really cold while our bodies slowly adjusted to the 10 degrees temperature was something new.

There weren't too many people and cars in Nelson.
Most of them would turn in at 5-ish or 6-ish.
People roaming around the street can be counted by one's fingers. 
This includes the patients walking inside the aged care, some naked.

Malls open at 7 in the morning and closes at 5 in the afternoon.
Yet, going to the grocery, buying chocolates on sale, ice cream, bread and finding a dollar's worth of either pork skin, pig's head, pig shank, beef shank, chicken liver and chicken gizzard found at the dog food section was pure happiness to us.

Walking, riding buses, and walking some more to get to different destinations was always welcoming and comforting even if I wasn't used to it back home.
Walking became our daily routine everyday after breakfast and dinner, talking and laughing at our experiences in the land where we were strangers.
Feeding ducks at the park and lakes was also one of the activities we always look forward to, wishing we could just grab one or two to cook for dinner.

We had a chance at applying for jobs, taking calls and interviews online yet not one was a match made in heaven.
Hiring process took a lot of time, over 3 months, and our time was quite limited.
And, even though it wasn't meant for us to land a job in NZ, it was an experience that was worth learning from.

When the days turned into weeks and weeks turned into months and the time to finally go home has arrived, there's that "sepanx" and empty feeling inside after realizing that a lifelong dream which was in your hands has already started to fade away.
And that feeling of failure after realizing that you're not going to get something that you had always dreamed for your family sets in was heartbreaking. 
My dream for my family was gone, in other words, shattered.
Worse of all, going home without a job to go back to was something to worry about.

But then I realized that closing a chapter isn't really the end. 
Closing a chapter just means that it was time to open a new one.

After 2 years, I realized that coming home wasn't so bad after all.
We had a taste of living the New Zealand dream even for a little while.
Our family's relationship became better.
After coming home, I was blessed with a new job and I must say the pay was better than the old one.
The experience we had taught us a lot: patience, adjustment, anger and frustration management, to name a few.
But we are still blessed.

The dream might have faded away but we can always start a new one.
Maybe... Maybe one day I will be able to reach it.
If it wasn't meant for me to reach it, maybe, it's meant for my children.
There's hope. :)